[what's normal]
“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know till we reach it.” – Joan Didion
You are not alone! The following thoughts might help; people who have been where you are now share these same beliefs:
- I believe grief is a process that involves a lot of time, energy and determination. I won’t get over it in a hurry, so don’t rush me!
- I believe grief is intensely personal. This is my grief. Don’t tell me how I should be doing it. Don’t tell me what’s right or what’s wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time.
- I believe grief is affecting me in many ways. I am being affected spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially and mentally. If I’m not acting like my old self, its because I’m not my old self and some days even I don’t understand myself.
- I believe I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life. As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me. My loved one will continue to be part of my life and influence me until the day I die.
- I believe I am being changed by this process. I see life differently. Some things that were once important to me aren’t any more. Some things I used to pay little or no attention to are now important. I think a new me is emerging, so don’t be surprised and don’t stand in the way.
– John Kennedy Saynor
WHAT DOESNT HELP:
- Other problems in your life.
Sickness, financial and/or relationship difficulties anything that takes up a lot of time or energy that should be spent on resolving your grief is a liability. Your grief might seem less threatening if you manage to resolve some of those other issues. - Feeling alone and abandoned.
Feeling alone in your grief is quite common. Friends often don’t know what to say and if they knew the person who died, they may also be grieving, so they might not be able to offer you much help. You need someone to talk to. Its important not to be alone. - Multiple loss.
If you have had many deaths or losses at once, it may be difficult to sort out what or whom you are mourning. If this is the case, your grieving will be more difficult. - An inability to make sense of it all.
If you can’t explain or understand this death, it will be more difficult for you. If you can put this death into perspective and make some sense out of it, it will help. Ask yourself questions like: Is there anything for me to learn? How have I changed as a result of this? Does this death make me think about my own life and changes I should make? - Unfinished business.
Feeling that there are things you wish you had said or that there were things you could have done is very difficult. Guilt is a nasty feeling, but talking it through with someone definitely helps.
WHAT HELPS:
- Someone to talk to.
We cant stress this point enough! Its very important. Don’t be surprised if this person isn’t in your family; they often aren’t. Bereavement support groups are a great way to meet others who understand what youre feeling. You can also visit our message board to share your experience with others and express your grief. - Be patient.
There isn’t a quick-fix recovery from the death of someone close to you. Give yourself time. - Take care of yourself.
Youll be better able to cope with your grief if you eat properly, get plenty of rest, and exercise regularly; no need to train for a marathon, but going on long walks with your dog or going for a swim are great examples. Treat yourself occasionally. Put some time aside just for you. Take an afternoon off. Get some chocolate and ice cream! - Good grief!
Dont be afraid to cry. It doesn’t make you weak, and you aren’t a sissy for doing so. Your feelings and frustrations want to be expressed. If you avoid them, they won’t go away. Feel sad today, and tomorrow you will feel better. Grief can be a great teacher and grant us wisdom. The pain will teach you new things about yourself, and in the end it will make you stronger.
Write about it.
